Kids Quotes

...because sometimes kids say the darndest things.

Sarah

Age 1-2

"Look at all the STUFF!" (Said to Annette, while she was getting in the shower.)
- 1998

"Holy Jesus, it's beautiful!" (Said about a newly added Christmas decoration.)
- December 1999

Age 3

"Daddy knows all about cheese in my hand." (Said to DJ when I went to get Sarah a cheese slice.)
- July 2000

"Daddy's busy. I'm not busy. I'm happy." (Said to DJ when I was busy cooking hamburgers.)
- July 2000

"Daddy! He lost his face!" (Said immediately after squashing a cricket.)
- Sept 2000

Age 4

"Hey! These aren't hot dogs!" (Said after pulling up to the breakfast table and seeing Shreddies.)
- January 2001

"Oooh! There's a hot dog inside!" (Said after biting into a Pogo for the first time.)
- January 2001

"This isn't a drinking game, daddy."
- February 2001

"Look! It's a daddy poop and a Sarah poop and they're holding hands!" (Said after inspecting the results of a successful visit to the washroom.)
- March 2001

Daddy: "Sarah, do you want to be a professor when you grow up?"
Sarah: "No."
Daddy: "A doctor?"
Sarah: "No."
Daddy: "Well what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Sarah: "Ummmmm... An octopus!"
- March 2001

Sarah: "Nanny is my parent."
Daddy: "No, Daddy and Mommy are your parents."
Sarah: "But but but... YOU don't make cookies!"
- March 2001

Daddy: "Sarah, did you know that Todd and Clarissa are having a baby?"
Sarah: "Huh? What face does it have?"
- April 2001

"Wow. Look at that strong, strong woman eating ice cream!" (Said (loudly) after noticing a 'very large' individual outside a Burger King.)
- August 2001

"Look at the big vaginasaur!" (Overheard while playing with assorted dinosaurs.)
- August 2001

Annette: "Do you have a cold?"
Sarah: "Yes."
Annette: "How do you feel?"
Sarah: "Like you would if you had a cold..."
- October 2001

Annette, noticing a pony sticker on Sarah's hand on picking her up from school: "Where did you get that?"
Sarah, with her hood up: "I got it from the girl who cut my hair."
Annette, quickly pulling her hood down, and relieved: "But you didn't get a haircut today..."
Sarah: "Not a haircut. Ummmm... It's from the lady who styled my hair."
Turns out they were checking for head lice at school that day.
- November 2001

"Ummmm. I don't think our keyboard *has* an 'o' on it..."
- November 2001

Age 5

"Daddy, when it's summer, can we go outside and say 'Hi God!'?"
- January 2002

"When I grow up, my boobies are going to get big. And then I can share shirts with mommy!"
- February 2002

[On the night before Easter morning, the kids are all in bed]
Sarah: "Daddy!"
Daddy, coming into her room, and leaning in to talk to her: "What is it Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well, um... um... Do I smell chocolate?"
Daddy: "Uhhhh. No."
Sarah: "Your breath smells like chocolate. Were you eating Easter eggs?"
Daddy, trying to think quickly: "Ummmm. No. I had some chocolate ice cream."
- March 2002

Sarah: "I want to go to the moon when I grow up."
Daddy: "Really? That's great!"
Sarah: "But I'd be lonely, so I want you and mommy to come with me!"
- March 2002

[ Annette ran into Sarah's JK teacher while out on a walk one night. ]
Annette: "Sarah, did Mrs. Graham say she saw me?"
Sarah: "No."
[ A few seconds later, quite seriously. ]
Sarah: "No, she didn't say that she was a zombie."
- April 2002

Daddy: "If there's an emergency, what number do you call?"
Sarah: "Oh I know that! SEVEN!"
- April 2002

Sarah: "I love you daddy!"
Daddy: "I'm glad. Will you love me forever?"
Sarah: "I'll love you for the whooooole weekend!"
- April 2002

Sarah: "I drew a picture for you daddy... The huge head is Mommy, the medium head is Daddy, and the little head is me!"
- May 2002

Sarah, listening to a song with the words "Super Sex World" on the radio, is heard singing "Super Set Squirrel."
- August 2002

Sarah, talking to Poppy on the phone:
Sarah: "...and poppy, you know, we have a Jesus barn in the basement."
Poppy: "What?"
Sarah: "A *baby* Jesus barn. You made that poppy. It's good that you made us a Jesus barn." ...
Sarah: "And you know what poppy, my Nana and Papa are coming to feast with us!"
- December 2002

Age 6

Sarah, to Daddy: "Why do you get excited when mommy has no panties to wear?"
- February 2003

Sarah: "Can I give Bailey some bacon?"
Daddy: "We never feed her from the table."
Sarah: "But it's a *family* breakfast...!"
- February 2003

Sarah, noticing that Annette is looking at pictures of soldiers lying in a shallow trench in Iraq: "Mommy, are they dead?"
Mommy: "No sweetie, they're just resting."
Sarah: "Resting!? They should be fighting!!"
- March 2003

On going to the Experimental Farm:
Sarah: "Yay! We're going to the Sarahmental Farm!"
- April 2003

After losing her bottom 2 teeth: "Daddy, when my new adult teeth grow in on the bottom, I'm going to look like a bunny!"
- May 2003

"Maaaaax! You can't cheat, you have to start at the FINISH line!"
- June 2003

At Nanny & Poppy's house, Sarah is seen sniffing around, talking to herself:
"No, it's not over here... Maybe it's the dogs... No, it's not the dogs... I wonder if it's the old people's breath..."
- June 2003

Said after driving past the [disappointing] Bear River Cherry Festival:
"Well why don't they just put out flyers saying 'Come to the nothing festival! Grown ups: get a babysitter, come to the festival and sit on a bench!'"
- July 2003

Sarah: "I don't want to eat turkey."
Mommy: "It's chicken."
Sarah: "Ok, I don't want to eat chicken."
Mommy: "Well, how about some carrots then?"
Sarah: "I don't want to eat cooked carrots."
Mommy: "Ok, I'll get you a raw one, but I have to peel it first."
Sarah: "No! What!? You have to pee on it...?"
- July 2003

On the way to Delio's Barber Shop, where Max and Daddy were going to get there hair cut:
Daddy: "Ok, we're almost there."
Sarah: "Great! Have fun at Daddy-O's Barber Shop guys!"
- August 2003

On Santa Claus:
Sarah: "If I can't see it, I don't believe."
Nana: "Well you can't see love, but you believe in that..."
Sarah, in a dramatic hushed tone: "Yes I can see love when my mommy and daddy kiss. And they do it all the time...!"
- November 2003

Age 7

On Internet safety:
Daddy: "You should really use a different name on the Internet, so people don't know who you actually are. Max, what name would you like to use?"
Max: "Army Guy."
Daddy: "Good. And Rachel?"
Rachel: "Casey."
Daddy: "Yeah, that's it. How about you Sarah?"
Sarah: "I'll be 'Smith.'"
- January 2004

Out of the blue, while eating a yogurt:
Sarah: "Daddy, do you forget sometimes that you were a kid?"
Daddy: "No, I don't think so..."
Sarah: "Because some times you lose it and just forget that you were a kid once too."
- January 2004

Out of the blue:
Sarah: "Mommy, do you ever think about the f-word?"
Mommy: "Uhh... No."
Sarah: "Me either."
- Janunary 2004

Sarah on "Beating the System/Homework"...
Sarah: "I don't want to do my homework, I'll do it tomorrow."
DJ: "What does the teacher say when you don't do your homework?"
Sarah: "She makes you do it during recess."
DJ: "So that means you won't get to go outside and play with the other kids."
Sarah: "That's ok, its too cold to go outside and play anyway."
- January 2004

Sarah, describing a bad dream she had:
Sarah: "There was this scary thing chasing Rachel."
Daddy: "What was it like?"
Sarah: "Well... it looked exactly like Mrs. Piggy... except BLOODTHIRSTY!"
- May 2004

Sarah: "Everyone keeps hassling me about believing in Santa Claus... even Santa Claus!"
(Said after seeing a "BELIEVE" note left by Santa.)
- December 2004

Age 8

While walking the dog with Sarah:
Sarah: "Can I walk the dog?"
Daddy: "No."
Sarah: "Please!?"
Daddy: "No, she's like a wild animal."
Sarah: "But I read a book on dogs. I really want to do it."
Daddy: "OK, here you go."
Daddy hands Sarah the leash, and Baily promptly takes off, dragging Sarah on her knees through the snow for about 3M.
Sarah (Getting up brushing herself off): "I really need to finish that book."
- January 2005

Sarah: "When you're drunk, how do you know you're drunk? Because your brain is mush..."
- April 2005

Sarah: "This Juicy Fruit doesn't move me at all."
- April 2005

Mommy: "Sarah, don't pinch Connor, even if Elizabeth is fighting with him. Just let them work it out themselves."
Sarah: "Ok... but it'll just take longer!"
- September 2005

Age 9

Rachel: "Sarah, if you had to live with Colin or Joey forever, which one would you choose?"
Sarah, who heavily criticizes Joey for his prolific swearing: "If I had to live with Joey I'd start swearing too."
- May 2007

Max

Age 3

"I ate your two boobies all up!"
- February 2002

Max, in the tub, has noticed that his penis has 'changed.'
Annette: "Sometimes this happens, and then it will go back to normal."
Max, disappointed: "Oooohhhhh... But I want to keep my *big* penis!"
- July 2002

"I think Bailey peed in my shreddies."
- October 2002

Daddy: "Does anyone know what a church is for?"
Max: "Eating cookies!!!"
- October 2002

"Are there any *real* Santa's around here?"
- December 2002

Sarah: "What would happen if mommy and daddy were lost forever?"
Daddy: [Long reassuring answer]
Rachel: "What would happen if there was a fire and you were stuck?"
Daddy: [Long reassuring answer]
Max: "What would happen if there was no TV?"
- March 2003

Max, after being handed a sandwich from Papa: "Hey! There's no crust!"
Papa: "I thought you'd like it that way..."
Max: "No! How am I going to know when to stop eating now?!"
- May 2003

Age 4

"We just saw a chipmunk that was the same colour as DOGGY DIARRHOEA!"
- July 2003

Rachel: "Look, we have the same minigo. It's like we're twins Max!"
Max: "Uhhhh, we are twins silly!"
- August 2003

Daddy: "Max, do you want a banana?"
Max: "No, I'm a donut guy."
- August 2003

Max and Rachel are at school together, in the same class despite attempts by the Principal to separate them. So as they're getting organized for circle time, someone overhears them:
Max: "Hey Rachel!"
Rachel looks at Max.
Max: "I love you!"
- September 2003

Max: "I remember when mommy gave me peas and said they were Teletubby balls."
Daddy: "Max, that's great remembering, you were only 1 1/2 years old then! You know, it's good to remember things, because if you don't think of them sometimes, you'll forget them. If that happens, you'll lose that memory forever!"
Max, just to reinforce that the lesson had sunk in: "Hey daddy, remember last night when SpongeBob's arms came off?"
- October 2003

Daddy was away for a few days, and after bedtime, Max comes downstairs.
Max: "Are you missing Daddy, Mommy? Because I could come down and sit with you..."
Apparently he meant it, because he came down for a quick cuddle, where he admitted the he was missing Daddy, then went off to bed.
- October 2003

Annette and I are watching TV, the kids are all upstairs playing when suddenly we hear a loud crash. Before long, Max comes down the stairs, with a stool in one hand, and a leg off it in the other. Completely calm, he says: "Well, I'm OK, but this chair isn't."
- November 2003

Max: "Come watch me play the game, I'm at the part where I go in the dumb-a-lator."
Daddy: "Oh, you mean the dumb waiter!"
- December 2003

Max: "Daddy, is peanut butter in one of the four healthy food groups?"
Daddy: "Yeah, I think it's in the 'Meat and Meat Alternatives' group."
Max: "See Sarah, it is healthy... it's in the 'Meat and Meat and Turnip' group."
- January 2004

Sarah: "I love god."
Max: "I love god too. He keeps our land."
(Think 'O Canada')
- 2004

Max, playing with his new yo-yo: "...and this is called 'around the world' and [looking around, seeing Annette bent over looking in the cupboard] ...this one is called 'around mom's bum.'"
- 2004

Mommy: "Max, is Mrs. MacDonald staying the whole year?"
Max: "Yes."
Mommy: "Oh that's good. Do you like her?"
Max: "Yeah. She always wears a different shirt."
- 2004

Sarah: "Max, look at my dress. Isn't it beautiful?"
Max: "Yeah."
Sarah: "And look what happens when I twirl around..."
[ Sarah twirls, and the dress spins out. ]
Max: "It gets FAT!"
Sarah scowls at Max...
- June 2004

Max, after watching a 'Little Rascals' original video: "I don't like The Little Rascals. It's all music and black and white."
- June 2004

Age 5

Mommy: "Where's poppa?"
Max: "I don't know, maybe he's emptying the testicle toilet..."
(Meaning the chemical toilet. Rachel called it the "medical toilet" the day before.)
- August 2004

Max: "Mommy, do you smell bad because you ate a big turkey?"
- August 2004

Guy at the mall, showing off a toy helicopter: "Look at this guys, it can fly... and [catches it] it comes back like a boomerang!"
Max: "I have a boomerang at home. But it doesn't come back, so it's just a stick."
- September 2004

We're driving down a dirt road that is frequently travelled by trucks. As a result, the trees near the road are completely covered in a brown dust.
Max: "Yay! It's sepia tone!"
- September 2004

Daddy: "We need to set up the tent quikcly, we're losing light pretty fast..."
Max: "Ok, you set up the tent, I'll go look for the light."
- October 2004

While looking at old pictures...
Mommy: "Look, I was a hippie for Halloween that year."
Max: "Yeah. Half girl, half boy."
- November 2004

Max: "What in the name of carnation is mommy talking about?"
- November 2004

A random kid: "Who do you work for?"
Mike: "I work for myself."
Max: "No, you work for MONEY!!!"
- December 2004

Max: "Mommy, is that a book order?"
Mommy: "Yep."
Max: "If I was you, I'd buy this SpongeBob book for my kids. If I were you."
- December 2004

Max: "Mommy, when you're mad, I think you really just need a hug."
- January 2005

Rachel: "What's 'medication'?"
Max: "It's what old people use."
- January 2005

Max: "Sweet mother of Murphy!"
- January 2005

Before Annette's gall bladder surgery...
Rachel: "Mommy, are you going to be OK?"
Mommy: "Yes, I'll be fine sweetie."
Rachel: "But what if you die? We wouldn't have a mommy!"
Max: "Daddy would just have to buy a new one!"
- January 2005

Daddy, seeing Max struggling to haul a shirt off over his head: "Here Max, let me undo that button."
Max: "My shirt doesn't have an undo button."
- February 2005

Max: "Today is opposite day! Sarah, you have to be boring, and mommy... you have to be nice all day!"
- March 2005

Max: "What if spoons were called..."
Daddy: "Called what?"
Max: "Called 'nothing.' Then whenever you're not talking, you'd be saying 'spoon.'"
- March 2005

Age 6

Max: "Mommy, you have taught me more stuff than any mother ever taught anybody."
- August 2005

Max: "Daddy, remember you're homo pants? They're funny."
(Referring to my "Homer" (Simpson) pants.)
- December 2005

Max: "This morning when my alarm whent off I heard the noise in my dream. But then I thought 'My dreams don't have sound effects this good.'"
- January 2006

Daddy, showing Max his very loud "vacation" shirt before leaving for Disney: "Hey Max, this is my vacation shirt... do you remember it?"
Max: "Hmmmm... It makes me think of beer."
- April 2006

Age 7

Mom: "Is Katie going to be around this weekend?"
Rachel: "No, she's going to a wedding."
Sarah: "Yeah... a GAY WEDDING!"
Max, making "talking" gestures with his hands: "Really!? 'Oh, hello mister, would you like to dance?' 'Why yes, mister, I would!'"
We all kind of stared at him for a second, then burst out laughing.
- August 2006

[During a long talk about marriage, babies and divorce.]
Sarah: "Well that's one thing I don't understand... how do a mom and a dad make a baby?"
Dad: "That's a talk for another time."
Max: "I know. I know how they divorce. They take off their rings and throw them on the floor."
- January 2007

Max: "Daddy, are those your sunglasses with the pulverized lenses?"
(he meant polarized lenses)
- January 2007

Rachel

Age 2

"Kiss me monkey boy!" (Said to Max, supposed to be "Kiss me Maxy boy.")
- Sept 2001

Rachel: "Why are the chairs on the table?"
Annette: "Because I'm going to mop the floor."
Rachel: "Oh. So... get out of here?"
- January 2002

"But you're not a doctor, you have big, big, big boobies!" (Said to Annette.)
- February 2002

Daddy: "Rachel, are you a leader or a follower?"
Rachel, with indignation: "I'm RACHEL!"
- March 2002

Annette: "Max, show me your surprise face."
[Max pulls a big 'surprise!' face.]
Annette: "Sarah, show me your surprise face."
[Sarah pulls a big 'surprise!' face.]
Annette: "Rachel, show me your surprise face."
Rachel, deadpan: "I don't *like* surprises."
- March 2002

Daddy: "Are we having fun or what?"
Rachel: "No, we're not having fun, you're a mean guy!"
Daddy: "Oh. Really? I don't want to be a mean guy, I thought we were having fun..."
Rachel: "Don't worry daddy, it was just a puppet show!"
- March 2002

Daddy: "What if there's a fire?"
Rachel: "You yell 'fire' and you get out of the house and then you come back into the house and play puzzle."
- April 2002

[Rachel was on the coffee table and Annette was in the kitchen.]
DJ: "Rachel, are you allowed on the coffee table?"
Rachel: "No."
DJ: "What would mommy say if she caught you on the coffee table?"
Sarah: "Rachel Anne get down off that coffee table, go into the living room and have a time out!!"
(Sarah assured me that mommy doesn't say that very often :-)
- April 2002

Mommy: "You guys want to eat burgers for supper?"
Rachel, with disgust: "No! Boogers belong in your nose!!"
- April 2002

Age 3

Rachel, looking at a freshly coloured picture: "This is for mommy!"
[Pause]
Rachel: "Where is mommy?"
Daddy: "She's in the shower."
[Pause]
Rachel, handing me the drawing: "It's for YOU daddy!"
- June 2002

Daddy: "I have to go to work."
Rachel: "Where's Todd?"
Daddy: "Todd is on vacation, he's not going to be at work for the next two weeks."
Rachel: "But... Todd... lives to work!"
- July 2002

Rachel, who has just thrown up with the flu: "Max can't sing the Teletubby song any more because he'll make me puke." (Turns out after she threw up, Max sang her the Teletubby song to try to make her happy.)
- July 2002

(While Rachel was on vacation, I was talking to her over the phone...)
Rachel: "Where are you?"
Daddy: "I'm at home today."
Rachel: "You're not at work?"
Daddy: "No, not today."
Rachel: "You're not left alone, I hope..."
- July 2002

Daddy: "Sarah, do you want some noodles for lunch?"
Sarah: "Let me taste them... Yuck! They stink! Or is that your breath daddy?"
Daddy: "Well, it could be my breath..."
Rachel, sweetly: "I love your breath daddy."
- August 2002

Out at the lake, one of the teenage girls sees a snake. She starts yelling and running, causing a general panic. When the smoke clears, Rachel looks unhappy and says, with disappointment: "Aaawwwww, I only got to pet it three times before it got away!"
- August 2002

Mommy: "Here Rachel, smell this Christmas candle... what do you think?"
Rachel: "Hey, it smells like DJ!"
- October 2002

Daddy: "Someone took our skeleton head off our lawn. That wasn't very nice was it?"
Rachel: "Daddy, can you go shoot him some time?"
- November 2002

Daddy, pointing at a picture of a little blond kid: "Who is this a picture of, Rachel?"
Rachel: "I don't know."
Daddy: "It's me, when I was a kid!"
Rachel: "You were a GIRL!?"
- December 2002

Nana and Papa and Rachel are having a snuggle.
Rachel: "I'm going to love you for ever and ever... what's your name?"
- December 2002

Rachel, dressed in a costume: "...and I have wings so I can fly up to god."
Mommy: "What? So you can fly up to God?"
Rachel: "No, so I can fly up to *Todd*!"
- February 2003

Daddy: "Who's the best mommy in the world?"
Rachel: "YOU ARE Daddy!!"
- March 2003

Rachel, noticing there is writing on the foot of one of her dolls: "Daddy, what does this say?"
Daddy: "It says 'Copyright 1993, Fisher Price. China.'"
Rachel: "Oh!! So it's a China doll!"
-March 2003

"When you turn the lights off at night it makes my eyes hurt and my brain feel invisible."
-April 2003

Rachel: "I put on my dress all by my self!"
Daddy: "That's great!"
Rachel: "Yeah, the first time it was backwards, so I took it off, turned myself around and put it back on. Now it's perfect!"
- May 2003

Age 4

"If there's no emergency and you call 1919, it will be very boooring."
- June 2003

At East Side Mario's:
Daddy: "Ok, we have chicken nuggets, chicken wings, pizza or pasta."
Rachel: "Oh! I'll have the flying food!"
Daddy: "Uhhhh... Oh, you mean the wings!"
- June 2003

"...and then the bugs bite me and they say 'I think I'll take a bite of this little person and see how they taste.'"
- July 2003

"You can't count to 100 with you fingers, you have to count with your mouth."
- July 2003

Rachel: "I saw a movie where a dog saved a boy from a fire."
Daddy: "Would Bailey save you from a fire?"
Rachel: "No, she's a regular dog, she doesn't talk."
- July 2003

"Don't forget to come back!"
Said to Daddy as he went into the bathroom, after being away for a month.
- August 2003

Daddy: "We're going to the zoo!"
Rachel: "[Gasp] Yeah, but is it the zoo with the *real* cotton candy?"
- August 2003

Rachel, at the breakfast table: "There's money in sex."
Daddy, somewhat surprised: "What!?"
Rachel, this time more clearly: "There's money in sex."
Seeing that Daddy is still puzzled, Max clarifies: "There's many insects."
- March 2004

Rachel: "Sometimes at night Bailey gets scared in her kennel because it's dark and she's black and she can't see herself. And that's scary."
- March 2004

Age 5

Annette notices Rachel playing with a Dr. Barbie and a Mommy Barbie. The Dr. Barbie talks to the Mommy Barbie, trying to seduce her into kissing her.
Dr. Barbie: "Why don't you kiss me?"
Mommy Barbie: "I don't think I should..."
Dr. Barbie lunges at Mommy Barbie, kissing her...
Mommy Barbie: "But I'm married...!"
- June 2004

"Daddy, mommy is upstairs and she says she needs an extensive card."
- December 2004

Rachel: "I want to look in Bailey's ear to see her phone number."
(Bailey has a serial number tattooed in her ear.)
- December 2004

Rachel: "Will I get a gall bladder when I'm a mom?"
(Asked after Annette's gall bladder surgery.)
- January 2005

Nana: "Did you know I'm coming up to see you soon?"
Rachel: "Yes, you're coming up when mommy and daddy go away to university. And once you go to university, you can't break up."
(She meant "anniversary" as it's our 10th.)
- March 2005

"Papa, how can you breathe with all that hair up your nose?"
- March 2005

Sarah: "Mommy, can we invite Arianna over?"
Rachel: "I promise I won't throw rocks at her!"
- March 2005

Rachel: "Did you know that DJ doesn't have a hangy downy thingy in his throat? He had it cut off."
Mommy: "Oh really? What is it used for anyway?"
Rachel: "I don't know. I think it helps you strain your food or something. I wonder if I can I touch mine...?"
Max: "No!! I did that once and it made me gag really bad!"
- April 2005

Said to Papa, in front of her teacher:
Rachel: "See, I told you her name wasn't Mrs. Crabapple!"
- April 2005

Age 6

Rachel: "Mommy, what would happen if a burglar tried to get in?"
Mommy: "Oh our doors are locked, so he couldn't get in."
Rachel: "Well just in case, can we get a false alarm?"
- March 2006

Sarah: "Mommy, can you really buy Chinese fighting fish?"
Mommy: "Yes."

Rachel: "Are there really fish that do Kung-Fu?"
- April 2006

Rachel: "It's kind of funny somtimes when Mrs. Johnson teaches us a new word, she'll ask us who can remember it. The other day she asked 'who can say the F-word?' I looked at her and said 'WHAAAAAAAAAT?'"
- May 2006

Age 7

Dad: ...so it's very important to learn French if you can.
Rachel: Right, so if you grow up and meet a cute boy and he speaks French, you can marry him.
- June 2006

Age 8

Sarah, unhappily: My retainer tastes like sour cream and onion when I put it in.
Rachel, wistfully: Oooooh, lucky!
- August 2007

Rachel: Sarah, why do you like the song Cherry Pie so much when you don't even like any kind of pie?
- August 2007